Taken from the April 1999 issue of American Funeral Director
As a member of a caregiving, caretaking and a care-providing profession, funeral directors not only have the right but the obligation to counsel and advise bereaved families. Funeral directors touch the lives of people in their time of greatest need. Our sensitivity to the needs of the bereaved may have a significant bearing on their health and well-being for years to come. The funeral director is a staple in the community; a wise counselor who takes responsibility seriously, is understanding and skilled in human relationships.
In funeral counseling, a knowledge of psychology is extremely important, for counseling is applied psychology. There are two types of psychological knowledge. Usually they complement each other. One is practical knowledge about people and how they function. The other is formal knowledge that is usually learned in the classroom. Both are important for they tend to support each other.
Funeral directors, because of their vast experiences with people in crisis develop a body of information and observations about people that is important we call this experiential expertise. This learning from experiences has been of great value to those funeral directors who have a warm, responsive nature and who tend to do the right things in a death crisis because of their basic concern for people.
Many compassionate and sensitive funeral directors, and especially younger ones, want to get the benefit of others' experiences because in a time of rapid change they feel they cannot afford the long, slow process of learning by experience. These persons seek to increase their understanding through reading and classroom work, which is readily accessible through mortuary colleges, colleges, professional school, workshops, and seminars.
No one in a community has more knowledge and experience in dealing wisely with the death crisis situation than the funeral director. Because of the critical and important nature of the work, communities expect and have a right to expect that in times of crisis they can go to a professionally competent funeral director for counsel and advice. The responsibility of funeral counseling is of paramount importance. Here and there the objection is made by funeral directors that they are not counselors, and do not believe in counseling. This may be understandable, but it does not work. Even funeral directors who claim not to counsel, are actually counseling. There really is no choice in the matter. Whenever a funeral director works with people in a time of crisis then they automatically become a counselor. The only choice we have is whether or not to be a wise and helpful counselor.
To reject the responsibility of counseling is tantamount to saying that there is a part of your role you want to avoid, and this is the same thing as saying that you are content to remain an incomplete funeral director. When persons come to us seeking options, suggestions, insights and answers to questions that are important to them and the response is I simply am here to take your service order and sell you something, that person is missing an important opportunity to serve and the family will rightfully feel awkward and defensive.
Much of funeral counseling is listening. The wise funeral counselor is willing to listen for he or she knows that many people resolve their problems by the very process of putting their thoughts and feelings into words. They gain new perspective by listening to their own ideas as they express them to another and gauge their response. It is also rude not to want to listen to another, especially in time of great need.
As most funeral directors are well aware, time can be a critical issue in funeral counseling. But it is well to remember that not all time is the same. At least emotional time is relative. In times of crises there may be very rapid emotional activity. To be there at this important time is advantageous.
The funeral director is with the family during prime time as far as a counseling opportunity is concerned. So it is not a matter of whether the funeral conference or funeral service lasts a half-hour or five hours; what is important is how well you are prepared to use this prime time to the best advantage of the family served. The responsibility of the funeral director as a counselor and its success hinges on three significant points for professional self-improvement. First, you need to have a genuine desire to help people and be willing to give the time and effort required to improve your skill.
Second, you need to study. Most colleges have courses in counseling. If you cannot easily access a college, there are courses you can take by mail as well as many useful books in libraries. Also reading a variety of case histories in professional journals is important, for this tells you what people are like and how they react to life crises.
Third, you need to practice. Make as many funeral arrangements as possible. Perhaps there is nothing like actually working with people to make you sensitive to how they respond. Here it is important to go back over your conversations to see where you might also have done things more wisely and sensitively. One last thought on responsibility: There is a risk in promoting yourself as a grief counselor or grief therapist. In the funeral service profession there exists an unspoken sense of professional humility that usually makes it wise to avoid fancy titles.
If a funeral director knows what he or she is doing that is the all important thing. Often people resist counseling if they know that is what is going on, but welcome it if they feel it is a friendly conversation with a concerned friend. In funeral counseling, the process is the important thing, not the name that is given to it.
Conclusion
Funeral directors take their responsibility to care for the dead and the living very seriously and few vocations carry such a heavy burden. Responsibility in funeral service can easily be witnessed by the numbers of years the average funeral home has been servicing their communities.
Funeral firms with service heritages of 50, 75, 100 or even 150 years are not uncommon. Such numbers imply that a responsible funeral director was and is at work.
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